Progress City™ Healthcare: Your Health is Our Business (Literally!)”

Welcome to Progress City™ Healthcare, where the future of medicine is here, and it’s as expensive as you feared! We’ve innovated a world where your well-being isn’t just a priority—it’s a profit. Because in Progress City™, your health is no longer a basic human right, it’s a premium service, brought to you by our corporate partners and a payment plan that makes mortgages look like a steal. Let’s take a tour of our world-class healthcare system, where “healing” means “profits,” and every cough, sneeze, and ailment is just another opportunity to cash in!

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1. The Doctor Will See You Now… for a Price

Gone are the days when you could see a doctor just because you felt unwell. Here in Progress City™, you can visit a doctor if—and only if—you’ve signed up for our MegaMedi™ Tier System. Feeling a little under the weather? Well, you’re in luck if you’re on the Bronze Plan—you can consult Dr. WebMD, or as we call it, “DIY Diagnosis”. Silver Plan members can enjoy a thrilling 10-minute video chat with a robot, while our Gold Elite Patients™ get the luxury of seeing an actual human doctor… for an extra fee, of course. Oh, and don’t forget the Stethoscope Rental Fee™—we couldn’t possibly just let you borrow that for free!

2. Emergency Care: The “Good Luck” Edition

Need emergency care? Oh boy, are you in for a treat! In Progress City™, we’ve redefined “emergency” to mean “an opportunity to really hit your wallet.” Our ER FastPass™ ensures that your ambulance arrives within a mere 45 minutes (faster than ever before!)—if you’re on the Gold Plan, naturally. Otherwise, you’ll have to rely on AmbuUber™, our ride-share service where the driver might have a first-aid kit in the backseat if you’re lucky. Don’t worry—your health is always our concern, but only after your insurance has been pre-authorized, your deductible met, and your credit score approved.

3. The Waiting Room of Infinite Patience

Welcome to the Progress City™ Healthcare Waiting Experience™, a fully immersive, soul-crushing journey where you’ll learn the true meaning of patience. Bronze Plan holders, please enjoy our 10-hour wait time—complete with complimentary daytime television and a chair that will slowly destroy your spine. Silver members, you get an exclusive upgrade: slightly better chairs and priority in the waiting queue—which means you only wait for 8 hours! Gold members? Well, you don’t wait at all because, let’s face it, you’re not going to be sitting in the same room as the rest of us plebs, are you?

4. Prescription Plans: Because Healing Should Be Profitable

Progress City™ has revolutionized medication with our patented RxMax Subscription Plan™! In the old days, doctors just handed you a prescription and you went to a pharmacy—how archaic! Now, with RxMax™, you can subscribe to your medication for one easy monthly payment, assuming you survive the side effects of paying for it. Feeling better? Great! But we’ll need you to stay on the meds for life—because nothing says “healthy” like a lifetime contract with your pharmaceutical overlords. And remember, if your insurance denies your claim, we’ve conveniently partnered with LoanRx™, offering low-interest loans on life-saving treatments—because why suffer for free?

5. Surgical Spectaculars: Coming to a Wallet Near You

Need surgery? Lucky you! Progress City™ Healthcare offers a range of Surgical Spectaculars™, where cutting-edge technology meets cutting-edge billing practices. Our top-tier PlatinumPlus™ Plan gives you access to our state-of-the-art operating rooms and maybe even a doctor who knows what they’re doing! Everyone else? Well, let’s just say you might want to bring your own anesthesia. We’ve also pioneered the concept of “Outpatient-Or-Else™”, where surgeries are done as fast as humanly possible to free up the bed for the next patient, so you can enjoy your recovery at home… or on the street corner.

6. Preventative Care (If You Can Afford It)

You know what they say—an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of… money, lots of money. In Progress City™, we offer PreventiPlan™, a subscription service for all your preventative care needs! Silver members get a free “wellness quiz” via email once a year, while Gold members get a 15-minute “Wellness Check” with a nurse practitioner, assuming you can find one. Don’t worry about getting real answers, though—your subscription only covers the basics. For actual medical advice, you’ll have to upgrade to the “Super Wellness™” package, where a trained professional might actually touch your pulse.

7. The Health Lottery: Because Your Life is a Game!

Why make healthcare fair when you can make it fun? Progress City™ is proud to introduce the Health Lottery™, where one lucky person every month gets their treatment fully paid for! The rest of you? Well, better luck next time. Just keep playing—and paying! Every hospital visit comes with a free lottery ticket, and who knows? Maybe you’ll win the prize of getting the medical attention you should have had to begin with. It’s healthcare with a thrill—because nothing says “modern medicine” like gambling for your life.

8. End-of-Life Care: Pay Now, Die Later!

Even the end is an opportunity for profit! In Progress City™, we’ve turned death into a subscription service with LifeExit™. Why just pass away when you can subscribe to your death plan? Our Bronze Plan offers a simple burial in Rent-a-Grave™ plots (with monthly renewal fees), while Silver Plan members get a two-year resting period before we dig you up for someone else. Platinum members? You get the full Forever Rest™ package, which includes a luxurious casket and an option to upgrade your headstone with a HoloMemory™, displaying ads for eternity. Even in death, Progress City™ makes sure you’re working for us!

9. Mental Health (A Premium Feature)

Feeling stressed? Depressed? Anxious about your medical bills? Well, in Progress City™, mental health care is just a subscription away! For $49.99/month, you can chat with a bot who kind of understands your feelings. Need real therapy? That’s available in our TheraCash™ Program—where each session is billed per minute, and crying is an extra $10. And if you’re feeling extra hopeless, you can sign up for our “Sadness Premium™” package, which includes weekly affirmations, discount antidepressants, and a virtual hug from our AI psychologist. Because nothing says “mental health support” like a robot telling you, “It’s all going to be okay… maybe.”

10. Health Insurance: The Ultimate Gamble

Finally, we come to the heart of Progress City™ Healthcare—insurance. Or, as we like to call it, “Legalized Gambling™.” In Progress City™, buying health insurance is like buying a lottery ticket where the odds are never in your favor. Pay your premiums on time, and we might cover a portion of your medical expenses, but only after we’ve denied your claim 14 times for “processing errors.” Our fine print has fine print, and our deductibles are higher than the hopes you once had for a better future. But hey, at least you’ve got coverage, right? Even if it only kicks in after your third bankruptcy.

Conclusion: Progress City™ Healthcare—Where Every Breath is Billed

So, welcome to the future of healthcare in Progress City™—where every ache and pain is a new revenue stream, and staying alive has never been so profitable (for us). Remember, in Progress City™, your health is our business… and business is booming!

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to bill you for the time you spent reading this. Please scan your LifePass™ to proceed.