Progress City’s Annual Future of Human Anatomy Conference—

Welcome to Progress City’s Annual Future of Human Anatomy Conference—where evolution meets resignation, and we celebrate the wonders of our “modern” human bodies that simply can’t keep up with our state-of-the-art minds!

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Future Anatomy: Ancient Bodies, Cutting-Edge Complaints

You’re invited to explore how we’re advancing…backward! Our theme this year? “Evolutionary Echoes: When High-Tech Minds Get Stuck in Low-Tech Bodies.” Here, in Progress City, we believe it’s time to face the truth: our ancient, low-stamina bodies are about to get some “updates” for the age of high-tech mental load, screen time exhaustion, and workplace “ergonomics.”

Keynote Speaker: Dr. Maximus Slowman
Dr. Slowman will discuss his new theory, “The Reverse Adaptation Principle,” which proposes that instead of advancing toward the sleek, efficient bodies sci-fi promised, we’re reverting to something closer to a slump of hunchbacked, attention-fried ancestors who are basically incompatible with modern expectations. Yes, he’s talking about the return of the Neanderthal shoulder slouch and maybe, for the first time in millennia, an instinctual fear of fluorescent lighting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Future Anatomy Sessions:

1. The Hunchback Renaissance: Reclaiming the Spine Curve
   Learn why our ancestors were onto something with that permanent forward bend. Get practical tips on training your body for that perfectly rounded hunch needed for non-stop screen time. Demo included: the ‘tech neck,’ a survival position for perpetual Wi-Fi hunting.

2. Cave Dwelling for Beginners: Regaining Our Resistance to Modern Life
   Say goodbye to radiant skin and strong posture! This session focuses on the perks of embracing dim lighting, instinctive squints, and bodies resilient to near-constant sedentary stress. For a true “natural look,” we’ll cover the essentials of slouching, backaches, and posture rollback techniques.

3. Ancient Endurance in a Modern Maze: How to Function Despite It All
   Our bodies may not be able to handle the daily grind of 21st-century life, but that doesn’t mean we won’t try. Join our session on “Survival Mode 24/7,” where experts demonstrate how to limp through deadlines, climb the corporate ladder with outdated limb dexterity, and maintain an always-on mindset with a body that desperately wishes it could just nap.

4. The Future Anatomy Awards Ceremony
   We’ll be honoring some truly inspiring individuals who have pioneered the acceptance of mental overload combined with physical underperformance. Awards include:

   • The Typing Dinosaur Award for the longest time spent typing while refusing ergonomic upgrades.

   • The Neck-Crane Prize for maintaining flawless eye-strain posture.

   • And the illustrious Wi-Fi Warrior Medal for those who continue hunting for strong connections with a spine bent at a permanent 45 degrees.

So, join us in Progress City as we redefine “peak human” for a future where ancient bodies struggle valiantly (and vainly) to keep up with ultra-modern minds. Let’s raise a glass to a future of our minds racing ahead while our bodies…take a nice, long break.