Progress City™—Moving You from Ape to Algorithm in Three Painful Stages

Welcome, brave citizen! You’ve entered Progress City™, where evolution is a corporate-sponsored service, and self-worth is algorithmically optimized!

In Progress City™, we believe every single one of you holds the unique, intrinsic value of a well-labeled data point. That’s right—no more pesky "free will" or aimless soul-searching. With our three-stage process, we take you from primitive primate to obedient algorithm with all the ease of downloading an app.

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Stage 1: "Goodbye, Center of the Universe"

Remember Copernicus? The man who yanked the rug out from under humanity by revealing that Earth isn’t the center of the cosmos? Well, here in Progress City™, we've accepted that lesson. You are not the center of the universe—our servers are. So instead of clinging to delusions of cosmic importance, you can accept your place as part of the Greater Network™.

Cue the slogan: "At Progress City™, the universe doesn’t revolve around you, but our data servers do!”

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Stage 2: "More Than a Monkey, but Just Barely"

Ah, Darwin. The naturalist who dared to show that we’re biologically connected to every chimp, gorilla, and capuchin out there. Progress City™ embraces this humble heritage with open arms—and neural networks. Here, you don’t have to worry about climbing the evolutionary ladder; we’ve already compressed that journey into your very own Virtual Evolutionary Cycle™, a lovely pop-up reminder of how much more valuable you are as a data generator than a mere mammal with dreams and aspirations.

Why fight nature when you can simulate it? In Progress City™, your “natural habitat” is our immersive Digital Forest, where you can swipe left on tree bark and scroll down for simulated waterfalls—finally, a rainforest without the humidity.

New slogan: "Progress City™—The only ecosystem you need is a Wi-Fi connection."

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Stage 3: "Unmasking the Primitive Mind with a Freudian Filter"

Enter Freud, the man who proved that deep down, we’re all messes of subconscious drives, irrational whims, and buried anxieties. Naturally, we took this notion and optimized it. Why have messy feelings when you can have a perfectly monitored and managed Emotional Dashboard™? You’ll receive real-time feedback on your mental state, plus gentle nudges to suppress anything too inconvenient.

And if all those urges still seem a bit… primal? Don’t worry! Our patented Ego-Smoothing Service™ will provide you with the comforting reassurance that you are totally normal, and also slightly better than everyone else. You’re welcome.

Latest slogan: "Progress City™—Because your subconscious is better served under surveillance."

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Congratulations, You're Now Algorithmically Approved!

Gone are the days of swinging from evolutionary trees, searching for meaning in the stars, or consulting “feelings.” With Progress City™, you’re optimized for productivity, sanitized of all those inconvenient thoughts, and perfectly aligned with your highest purpose: data compliance.

Welcome to Progress City™, where we’ve taken humanity’s greatest existential crises and distilled them into an easy three-step service plan. Now, lean back, let the algorithms do the work, and embrace the sweet relief of purpose without the hassle of free thought.

Progress City™: We’ve eliminated the guesswork. And the soul.