Progress City™ Real Estate: Because Who Needs Privacy, Parking, or a Living Room?

In Progress City™ Real Estate, we redefine the very idea of “home” in ways you never asked for! Forget everything you know about cozy spaces, sanity, and affordability, because here in Progress City™, we take real estate to a whole new level of unnecessary complexity and ridiculous expense.

Our Exquisite™ Housing Options

1. The Glass Cage Loft™
Do you love the idea of constant visibility? With floor-to-ceiling windows on every wall, this loft ensures you’ll always be in the spotlight—whether you want it or not. Perfect for those who think blinds are “so last century,” this option comes complete with reflective glass, so you can wave to your own reflection instead of neighbors!

2. The Pocket Pod™
For the minimalist who’s taken minimalism to an uncomfortable extreme. At 80 square feet, the Pocket Pod™ includes a bed (sort of), a sink (tiny), and even a shelf (for a single spoon). Cooking and bathrooms? Well, that’s what the Community™ Kitchen and Hygiene Hub down the hall are for! Who needs a kitchen or a private bathroom when you have communal facilities… somewhere?

3. The Shared Terrace Studio™
Why waste money on a balcony when you can pay slightly less to share a rooftop terrace with 100 other residents? Enjoy the thrill of jostling for a spot on a wooden bench as you enjoy “city views” (a.k.a., views of other people’s apartments). Just beware: the only privacy here is the illusion of it.

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How to Acquire Property in Progress City™

Step 1: Pass the Application Gauntlet™
Applying is a breeze! First, you’ll submit a 300-question personality test, prove your “visionary” credentials, and provide three letters of recommendation from people who barely know you. Don’t have three letters? No worries! You can purchase the Premium Applicant Package™ for only $999.99 to bypass this step.

Step 2: Meet Our Elite Residency Requirements™
To ensure our residents “embody the Progress City™ ethos,” you’ll need a subscription to a minimum of four productivity apps, a gym membership you’ll never use, and evidence of at least one start-up failure. This step helps us weed out the weak and identify those who truly understand modern urban living.

Step 3: Attend the Housing Hunger Games™
Housing in Progress City™ is fiercely competitive, so every quarter, we host the Housing Hunger Games™. Successful applicants will gather in our Exclusive Application Arena™, where they’ll compete in events like Extreme Networking, Speed Emailing, and the LinkedIn Endorsement Sprint™. Only the top 10 finishers will have the privilege of choosing from our limited, highly coveted vacancies.

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Why Choose Progress City™ Real Estate?

In Progress City™, you’re not just buying a home; you’re buying into a lifestyle. Embrace a world where floor plans make no sense, walls are always made of glass, and comfort is merely an optional add-on.

• Zero-Privacy Living™: Because “open-concept” is a lifestyle, not just a design.

• Unnecessary Flexibility™: Floorplans that transform from “Bedroom” to “Office” to “Room Where You Have Existential Crises” with a few quick adjustments.

• Next-Level Amenities™: An “Eco-Friendly Trash Chute” that only accepts biodegradable items (hope you enjoy composting), a “Community Charger Hub” with two outlets, and “Smart Locks” that may or may not let you in when you forget your passcode.

Act Now! Your Ridiculous Future Awaits!

Don’t miss out on the lifestyle you never wanted! Contact one of our Progress City™ Real Estate Ambassadors (they’re real estate agents in snazzier outfits) to book a virtual tour of the apartment you’ll probably only get to rent. And remember, our motto: Why Live Simply, When You Can Live Progressively™?

Progress City™ Real Estate — Where Your Housing Dreams Come True, as long as your dream involves confusing layouts, public amenities, and overinflated rents.