Chris Conidis : Welcome to Progress City: The Almighty Funtoken

 

Welcome to Progress City: The Almighty Funtoken

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Progress City, where the motto is simple: “In Funtokens We Trust, and in Credit We Dream.” You’ve entered a city where the true ruler isn’t a mayor or a president—it’s the almighty Funtoken. The only thing that can buy you status, happiness, and a chance to look interesting at cocktail parties. Forget chasing dreams here; we only chase Funtokens.

Meet Our Hero: The Funtoken

Ah, the Funtoken. The grand symbol of our era. In Progress City, it’s not just something you earn, it’s something you worship. It’s the ultimate status symbol, the cure for all ills, and the root cause of all of them. Funtokens keep the lights on, the debt collectors at bay, and the coffee flowing—mostly because we’re all too busy working for more to notice the empty cup.

The Citizens of Progress City: True Believers

Here in Progress City, we’ve evolved. Our wallets are as sacred as our smartphones, and both are always within arm’s reach. In fact, your net worth here is directly proportional to your amount of Funtokens—so don’t even think about leaving home without checking your balance. It’s not just a score; it’s your entire identity.

We proudly live by the city’s creed: “Funtokens are Life, and We Are Its Devoted Followers.” The rituals are simple, yet sacred: Pay Day (aka, The Day of Rejoicing), Black Friday (The Annual Pilgrimage), and Tax Season (The Great Financial Reckoning).

A Guide to Progress City’s Core Values: The Gospel of Funtokens

1. Thou Shalt Flaunt Thy Funtokens. In Progress City, having money isn’t enough—you must show the world that you’ve got it. That’s why every condo here comes with a built-in, Instagrammable view. Not because the view is anything special—but because it’s the perfect backdrop to flaunt your latest Funtoken-funded indulgence. The new $6,000 fridge with a touchscreen that knows your dog's name? That’s not just a luxury, that’s an investment in your social media profile.

2. Debt: The New Path to Glory. Forget traditional American dreams like homeownership. Here, the new ambition is a line of credit so high that it’ll make the bank’s CEO look twice. Debt isn’t a burden here—it’s a lifestyle choice. Six-figure student loans are proudly worn like medals, a symbol of your determination to look successful while figuring out how to pay rent.

A Moment of Reflection: The Reality of the Funtoken Chase

If you listen closely, you can hear it—the sound of Progress City’s heart beating in a rhythmic, capitalist symphony. It’s the click-clack of designer shoes, the ding of stock alerts, and the cha-ching of online shopping. It’s a sweet, sweet tune—until the bill arrives.

The residents here are on a never-ending treadmill, running as fast as they can to get somewhere—only to realize they’re already out of breath, out of time, and out of Funtokens.

Man on the Street Interview: Reporter: "What do you love most about Progress City?" Resident: "The ambition, definitely. We’re all just here trying to make it big." Reporter: "And what’s your goal?" Resident: "I just want enough Funtokens to buy a moment of peace. Or a really, really good nap." Reporter: "So, freedom?" Resident: "Freedom? That’s an upcharge. I’m just aiming for basic peace of mind."

The Progress City Relationship Status: It's Complicated (With Funtokens)

In Progress City, money isn’t just something we use—it’s the thing we have a toxic, co-dependent relationship with. It buys us dinner, but it also ruins our weekends with credit card bills. It helps us feel important, but also reminds us how empty our savings account looks when the rent’s due.

New Ad Campaign: “Funtokens: They don’t buy happiness, but they make misery look so much more comfortable.”

 

Chris Conidis Content Writer